There it is. A heartbeat! A very strong heartbeat that sounds a bit like a techno song. With tears in my eyes I look at the screen. I never knew I could love someone who I’ve never met, so much. My heart is overflowing with gratitude and I squeeze myself to check if this is really happening.
I can’t help it to think about the last time I was lying here, just three months ago. I remember how difficult and painful it was to look at an empty screen while the doctor was making sure my miscarriage was completed. And now I’m lying here again… but this time tears of happiness are leaving my eyes.
We all lose and we all gain
I look at my Sunshine. I feel so much love for this man. I think about all the ups and downs we’ve been through this year. 2018 is for sure a year we will not forget easily. We lost so much but maybe we gained even more. I learned the hard way that all we have is ourselves and how we react to situations, people, words, actions. Every single person is going through something or is about to go through something. That’s life. We all lose and we all gain.
I know that one day I will look back and see the earthquake not as the end, but as a starting point. As the pivot that turned everything around. As the thing that gave us the courage to try something new, something that would turn into something incredible beautiful.
Worst advice I ever got from a doctor
On the way home I’m staring quietly out of the window. My hands are folder around the picture the doctor gave to us. The proof that our little rainbow baby is on the way. I think back about all the things the doctor said and start smiling when I remember his last words before we left the room: “Because you had a miscarriage before…. maybe now…. instead of having sex four or five times a week…. maybe you could have only sex one time a week.” No need to say that’s the worst advice I ever got from a doctor.
We leave the city and start driving through the hills of Lombok. My thoughts are drifting further and further away. My mind is driving past memories, moments and events of 2018. I start talking to 2018 like she is sitting next to me in the car;
My dear friend…
“I learned the lessons you were trying to teach me. I learned from the pain, from the heartbreak, from the betrayal, from the tears, from the mistakes and from my own shortcomings.
I forgive you for not being the year I expected. I forgive you for being too hard on me. I forgive you for taking good things away and breaking my heart a few times. I forgive you for the painful days and the lonely nights. I forgive you for all the tears you’ve caused and all the battles you’ve sent me.
I love you for all the blessings you gave me, for the times I spent smiling, for the all the times I laughed with the people that have a special place in my tiny heart. I love you for the moments when you made me feel invincible and for the moments you made me feel alive. I love you for all the unique moments we had together, you will always have a very special place in my heart.”