# DAY 34 OF PROJECT CINLOC

It’s a strange feeling to be scared. As a kid I was scared of many things like the monsters under my bed, the cool kids in my class, thunderstorms and clowns. But as you grow older you realize there is no such thing as monsters, the cool kids in your class turned out to be not so cool at all, you realize thunderstorms are actually incredible beautiful and clowns are not scary but just stupid.

Full of excitement I stepped on the boat to Bali yesterday. I’ve been going to Bali many times over the last years but this time it was a bit more special. It’s the first time I’m leaving my tine little paradise island after the earthquake.

My good friend Wayan is waiting for me in Padang Bai and it’s so good to see his friendly Balinese eyes again. I treat myself on a little visit to my favorite books store, buy a little present for my sunshine, get my first hair cut in long long time and eat some yummy food before I check into my hotel.

Am I being a realist or being ridiculous?

“Here you go miss Rose, your room is on the third floor” says the receptionist while he is handing over my key. As soon as I hear the word “third floor” I feel a slight panic. What is this guy thinking? Why would anyone in the world want to stay on the third floor of a hotel? Does he realize you most likely not make it out alive when there is a 7.0 earthquake? Of course he doesn’t, he hasn’t been in a 7.0 earthquake and is just doing his job.

I asked myself whether I am being a realist or being ridiculous. I see my fear as a sign of weakness which is one my least favorite feelings in the word. So I take the key, give him a friendly smile and head towards the elevator. On my way to my room, I study the walls, search for cracks, look for possible exits and make several escape plans.

I am scared of a big big monster who listens to the name earthquake

Once I’m inside, I see a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I see the fear in my eyes. Soon the realization follows: I’m a 34 year old woman and I’m scared. I’m scared for a big big monster who listens to the name earthquake.

I believe my biggest personal flaw is the inability to sometimes express, or even acknowledge, my fears in a rational and logical manner. I take what I’m feeling, put it in a box, and throw away the key in hopes that these feelings will just disappear over time. Unfortunately, they don’t, and yesterday my box opened.

I sit down with my fear and tell her: “I’m not leaving, I’m going to sit here with you till I feel comfortable. I love staying in hotels and visit roof top bars. I like shopping malls and cinemas and I’m not going to stop visiting them just because you rocked up in my life.”

Embrace your fears and chase your dreams

Sitting on the floor of this hotel room makes me realize; sometimes, it’s okay to not have the pieces of your life put together. Sometimes, fear needs to be felt. And sometimes, it’s okay to be scared. We are entitled to our own feelings, and if fear is what it takes to realize we have to put our doubts and uncertainties behind us, then so be it. And as long as we are able to acknowledge its presence and not allow it to hold us back, fear can serve as a powerful tool in moving forward.

So, embrace your fears and chase your dreams.

Love Rose

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