Why did I turn quiet and stopped writing? As I sit here typing this I am wondering if this is something that I actually want to share. Will people judge me for sharing my story because they believe that this is something that should be kept private? But this thought is exactly what pushes me to keep typing. Why are we only sharing the positives and why is it still taboo to talk about certain things?
Of course we need the positives, but we must open our minds and hearts to start sharing our sadness, heartache, and failures. I strongly believe that we can help others grow, overcome, and become reborn through shared experience. So here is my story….
# DAY 18 AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE
My Sunshine and I have been trying for a while to have children. Two weeks after the earthquake I was supposed to get my period but aunt Flo never knocked on my door. It is 5 AM in the morning and I can’t sleep anymore. I still didn’t get my period and my mind starts wondering; how crazy would it be if it actually worked this time? When we had our first talk about children Andreas told me he wanted to wait till we official owned our land, build our own house and the business would be running smoothly. And here we are; our house is completely destroyed, we need to close our businesses for an unknown period of time and we are sleeping in a field.
Holy shit I am pregnant !
I can’t control my curiosity anymore and sneak out of bed. I do a pregnancy test and quickly one stripe appears; which means the test is negative. Although I kind of knew already I’m still a bit sad. I’m about to throw the test in the bin but suddenly I hear this little voice in my head: “maybe you should check one more time before you throw it away.”
I can’t believe my eyes… a second stripe is appearing and now there are two stripes. I am in shock and keep starring at the stick. Holy shit I am pregnant! There is a tiny little organism growing inside me and it’s going to turn into a person– half me, half my Sunshine. I have the biggest smile stretched across my face.
I started calculating and quickly realize it’s conceived the day of the earthquake and suddenly I remember that I whispered a stupid joke in his ear that night “I think it worked this time darling, you literally made the whole shake.”
I tell my Sunshine as soon as he gets up and we laugh and smile all day and can’t believe that something so beautiful came out of this devastating earthquake. It gives us exactly what we need in this moment; strength, motivation and hope for the future.
# DAY 27 AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE
I wake up at 6 AM and don’t feel good. I’ve been losing blood since two days and I’m really worried. I would love to stay in bed today but today is the day we do our first trauma healing class for the kids. Something that I have been looking forward to the whole week. I put on some clothes, grab some motivation and jump on my bike. It’s awesome to see the kids again and I can’t believe that after everything they have been through they are still smiling
As soon as I’m back home the cramps get worse and I immediately know: this is it. I’m lying in bed and I’m terrified. Not for what is about to happen as I don’t even have an idea what to expect, but for my own reaction when it would happen. We’ve been through so much in the last month; we survived an earthquake and more than 867 aftershocks, we lost our house and our business. Would I be able to handle a miscarriage on top of that?
We are so much stronger than we think we are
You always imagine the happy parts you hope your future will hold. You never imagine the ones that rip your heart out. But as soon as it happens I figure out that another cliché is true: we humans are so much stronger than we think we are. My Sunshine is right next to me and I’m grateful that I don’t have to get through this alone.
We’ve told some of our closest friends and family that I was pregnant. I didn’t mind people knowing because I knew if something went wrong I would need a support system. And, well, I didn’t think anything would actually go wrong. When it did I was so very glad for the people in my life. In the midst of heartache I had never known, I also felt like I had won the friend and family lottery.
In the days that follow and I’m talking to friends and research the internet I make a bizarre discovery: around 25% of all pregnancies ends in a miscarriage but no one really talks about it. I even figured out that two of my best friends had a miscarriage but never told anyone.
Why are woman keeping their miscarriage a secret?
Why is it a taboo to talk about a miscarriage? Ad why don’t we know what to say someone who experienced a miscarriage? I’m certain that everyone who goes through a miscarriage experiences the loss differently. If I had to guess though, I’d say most women (and men) find it really, really fucking difficult. The whole experience would have been so much easier for me if I would have known what to expect and if I would have known that it happened to so many people around me.
What to say to someone who had a miscarriage?
I don’t have the answer to that question. Everyone is different. For me, the important thing is to say something. Almost anything. As long as they’re meant in sympathy, any sort of words, in some sort of order, are likely to be helpful. For all of you who are desperately afraid of saying the wrong thing, of making it worse, of reaching for a cliché, let me tell you this: something is better than nothing.
I also think it’s a bit unfair to expect people to know exactly what I’m going through or what to say because miscarriage just isn’t a mainstream conversation. And the only way this is going to change is if people start talking about it. If you don’t know what to say or what might help – ask. Before I had a miscarriage, I honestly didn’t have a clue. I had no idea, for example, that a miscarriage could be silent or ‘missed’. Or that it could require surgery. So ask how someone feels. Ask if they want to talk about it (they might say no, fair enough). Ask about what you don’t understand. Otherwise, nothing will change.
Life is a miracle
Heartbroken and confused, my pregnancy symptoms left me, one-by-one, and they sure didn’t fail to take a piece of my heart every time they decided to disappear. The days pass by and I feel a bit better every day and my soul is healing. I am grateful to know that I can get pregnant. I am grateful that – even for that small amount of time – I got to experience being pregnant and the joy that comes with that. I’m grateful that I’m still standing feeling strong and healthy.
I experienced more than ever that life is a miracle. It’s all out of our control, whether someone lives or dies. Cherish every moment you live, and be thankful for every second you have with your loved ones. You never know how long you will have with them, and every moment is as important as the last. Even if you only have about seven weeks with them.
It’s time to break the cycle of #silentsisterhood
So here’s to SHARING our stories. Showing our strength and telling our tales. Here’s to loss and what could have been. And here’s to hope. I hope that by my sharing my story at least one woman in this world feels that she is not alone. I would like to tell her: Stay strong. You’ll get through this. That, I can promise.
I hope that by sharing my story I inspire others to do the same. And if you don’t feel comfortable sharing it on social media (which I completely understand as I’m terrified to publish this post) share it at least with your best friends. Let’s break the cycle of #silentsisterhood and create a world where woman feel comfortable sharing their experience and a miscarriage is no longer a taboo subject.
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